What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:24
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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My family never makes their pension either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So whats the point in blame.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She loved him until the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !